MJ's Corner of sulking

[20/03/26]
to clarify, I'm NOT abandoning my plans of fixing my scribble page. i'm just taking some break. and i have family stuff going on at the moment.
changing the subject a bit, I'm scared to get in a romantic relationship now...

i never got into one in the first place tho! 20+ years and still bitchless, no boyfriend or girlfriend (￣￣|||)
it's just that people around me have such shitty relationship issues that i got turned off by actually having one and having to commit so someone's problems, and make that person commit to my problems. i already have a slow brain, i can't handle emotional turmoils man...

it also doesn't sound better that the way i try to dissect my family's relationship problem is like me analyzing a fictional character's personality. like wtf?? i guess if thats the way i could functionally help ppl, then sure?? just don't let people know or make it obvious??
omg i really fucking hate myself...

[12/03/26]
same day, different time. its night now.

while procrastinating on my blender stuff, i've been following a whole ass javascript coding tutorial on how to make your own paint app on an html. ngl this rlly looks like the paint widget on straw.page (no disrespect its rlly cool that they add that paint widget tool(< `v`)ノ).

i wanna put my page in here, but its not finished yet. still some parts that needs polished. not that this page is the most visually appealing, i just want the page to have a similar look :v

[11/03/26]
it's morning rn and i stayed up overnight struggling with my blender. i made a greasepencil animation, and i want to add a rim light on said animation, but i don't want to redraw the light all over again. so i thought it be a great idea to just double the greasepencil object, use screen or light blending mode,mask it, and make it ofsett a bit, like i once did in after effects.

holy shit, how hard it is for me to add any geometry nodes or do any compositing for the 2d animation. is it bcs its specifically greasepencil? so it can't get affected by the geometry nodes??? omg brooo this shit is so complicated.

it's just a demo animation and it's already this hard ( >˶TㅁT)>

but back to blender greasepencil. i kinda did this 2d frame-by-frame thing in a hard way. i could've copied and pasted the same or similar frame, but just change some parts. but nope, i did most of the frame differently. also THE COLOR BUCKET TOOL OMG WHY IS IT SO BOTCHED ASF??? like i get it its a 3D software, but you could atleast fix the color bucket tool so it doesn't just leave huge gaps on the corner, or straight up refused to fill the whole thing, so now it just left with this puddle shape AND YOU HAVE TO USE THE LASSO FILL TOOL \(`皿´＃)ノ

[09/03/26]
i feel happy that i'm re-learning frame-by-frame 2D animating again, i got back in touch with my old roots.
since my 6th semester, i've only been doing 2D tweening & motion graphics, 3D animating, it feels nice to dip my fingers back into frame-by-frame again. also, Blender! superior software, free, can be used for anything. the 5.0 version has tools that you usually have in after effects. i never tried said tools in Blender, but i could try in another time.

I'm working on my group thesis, idk what i'm doing. i know what i'm supposed to do, but i just don't know HOW. i did my pre-production part, but i'm still kinda lost tbh...

and i'm still miffed from the fact that i haven't updated my portofolio, there's gotta be an emergency last-minute situation that could make my procrastinating ass get to work... idk thooo ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[03/03/26]
i can't keep self-pitying myself. i'm tired. i'm tired of being a coward, tired of my social anxiety and social ineptitude, tired of feeling like a burden, i'm just tired of everything.

i keep saying this to myself, i tried becoming better, self-improvement. so why haven't i changed? is this really the only best version of myself i can be? holy shit if it is, then this is just sad.

i can't even talk normally to acquaintances anymore without hyperventilating, what is wrong with me?? everytime i post my art, i feel stupid and childish. its my job?? its about to be my job??? stop comparing your life and job as an artist with your friends that pursued other things! should i pursued other jobs instead? nah, i can only do art. that'll be the only thing i'm doing.

[26/02/26]
i hate how fragile growing up can be. one wrong step in your childhood and it end up haunting you for the rest of your life. you try to convinced yourself its in the past, and you know better now, you've grown as a person. but you start to doubt that as well because one menial thing in your adult life now and you're nervous, hyperventilating, crying, like omg i don't think i deserve to live this life enough if i'm going to always act like this. like there's someone who deserves this life better than me, why waste it on a person who can't even hold a basic conversation??

steering away from self-hate... i saw a youtube video essay about what are you creating for? for yourself? for others? well i haven't finished it, but i think thats why making art has felt so stagnant for me lately...

i enjoy the process, sure, but once you post it on your social media, and it didn't get many engagement as you want feels really soul crushing. fuck to the people (that are ususally already successful) who said "make art for yourself! you don't need other's validation!". social media had become the primary source of connection and information in most people's life, you can't escape it. especially for artist, social media has become their main place to find their source of income, whether it be for selling art, opening commissions, making connections, projects, etc.

there's actually more that i wanna say, but i don't wanna say anything too much. i'm too out of energy to bitch and moan abt this stuff now... so yea ( ._.)

ALSO ALSO I WATCHED IRON LUNG ON THEATHRES YESTEDAY WOOHOOO!! OMG THE CINEMATOGRAPHY, THE BUILD UP, THE TENSION, AND ALL OF THAT ONLY ON ONE SET?? THAT TINY SUBMARINE?? OMGG
i really need to rewatch the iron lung gameplay and theories, i swear i briefly obsessed with that game years ago, this movie might reignite it again (((o(*°▽°*)o)))

[24/02/26]
censorship man i'm telling you...
apparently, neocities is blocked in my country now! thats real bad (; -_-)

a lot has happened since i last write in here. i've been working on my college final year project. A 7-minute fully rendered animation and a written thesis of it... do animation colleges in other countries also have to make 2 assignments simultaneously? ngl i'm overwhelmed...! idk man i'm always overwhelmed over everything nowadays ( '𐃷' )

OMG MY < DIV > ELEMENT HS BEEN BROKEN ALL THIS TIME BCS OF A MISTYPE SRSLY??? I THOUGHT I JUST SUCK AT CODING. well whatever its fixed now

[19/11/25]
so thats why i couldn't access custom cursor website, thanks cloudflare, i thought my wi-fi is going shit again.

anyway i rlly wish i didn't have motion sickness when playing 1st pov 3d games. i legit couldn't handle play roblox and minecraft. tho i could hold my nausea for around 20 mins, then stop for like 5-10 mins to regain my composure. like i have to practice breathe in while playing these games. which sucks cuz those kinds of games are really immersive and very cool, i wish i could play them without getting light headed :(

EVEN WHEN JUST WATCHING SOMEONE PLAY!! like damn man... ( T-T)

[18/11/25]
i couldn't access my photoshop bcs i have full scratch disks. so i ask my sibling and they said to clean my cache. idk how to clean cache in pc so they told me about the win + r and " %temp% " thing. i got 25GB worth of cache. they told me normally they got 6GB at most.
i should held record for the most cache on a laptop lmao

[17/11/25]
just to check if this works, here's a second paragraph, and many self-deprecating ramblings from a grudger. i'll make up new words and sentences on the way to to describe something because english isn't my first language, go figure.

huh also just realized i don't have to all of my paragraphs since i'm putting all of this text in div.

*English isn't my first language, and i can feel my grammar ability disintegrating day by day, so mind the bad grammar and mistypes.